I never looked in the mirror when I was a kid, I was happy to just BE ~ freedom never felt so good!
I was chubby, verging on fat I suppose but it never bothered me. I was just me, I was funny and alive and curious, and creative. I had friends who loved me for everything I was, that was enough for them and for me.
Then one day I saw a girl, in a magazine, physically she was beautiful and perfect in every way. Her tummy was flat, mine wasn't. Her legs were long and thin, mine were not. Her arms were skinny even on the top, this never occurred to me before ~ my whole life changed in that moment. Why didn't I look like her?
What was I doing wrong? I'm supposed to look like her right? I started to diet, exercising sometimes three times a day. I ate rice cakes and turned away anything with fat. The weight began to fall off fast and soon I was thin, and then very thin....
But did I look like that girl? Of course not, because I was NOT that girl. Trying to make a 16 year old understand that little differences are what makes a person special does not work. No one wants to be different, especially at 16. But, suddenly I WAS different even without realizing it, and I had no idea how to deal with it.
Of course after losing weight quickly by restricting my caloric intake to a bare minimum, if I ate even a little more I would gain weight back and this would make me panic.
I didn't want to be that larger girl again, large girls are not normal, large girls are not as good as thin girls.
And so I would starve myself to lose the weight again, or stick my fingers down my throat.
Have you any idea what it's like to have broken blood vessels around your eyes from vomiting
three to four times a day? Or blood streaking down your fingers from damaging your throat?
I would lay on the bathroom floor 10 years after all this began and think I would rather be dead then
to have to endure this. The pain of twisted thoughts about not being good enough which consumed my mind 24/7 was needless, self inflicted torture like I have never known.
If only I had seen that I already was good enough, big OR small, I was the same person.
I was also tortured with shameful memories of hiding bags of vomit in my closet as a teenager waiting for my parents to go out so I could dispose of them. Sneaking off to the bathroom after a restaurant meal to rid myself of the guilt food created inside of me. Having my gallbladder removed at 18 because of what I had put my body through up to that point. I had digestive problems, heart palpitations, yellow and brittle teeth, bad skin and a never ending feeling of impending doom if I gained even one ounce. I saw food as a monster and as long as I had control of it then it couldn't GET ME, it couldn't turn me into someone fat and worthless. Because of course being large meant I wasn't normal or beautiful like that girl in the photo from so many years ago.
So what saved me from my troubles? What happened so that today I can write this without feeling ashamed? I believe I woke up from a helpless waking sleep in which the thoughts and ideas of the media consumed me and turned me into someone else. I also believe that becoming pregnant REALLY opened my eyes. Suddenly I was now a vessel for another living human, I now had no choice but to clean up my act and allow myself to heal and let food be my friend instead of my enemy.
Yet, now I faced another problem. After 15 years of bulimia and then suddenly eating again, I gained weight FAST! My entire body changed so much that I didn't even recognize myself anymore. Suddenly that thin girl was gone along with all her problems and self hate for not being good enough. She was replaced with a healthy, but slightly rounder new mother with a completely different set of priorities ~ I felt as though I had been given a new lease on life and a second chance. But how were other people seeing me? Was I going to be judged for not losing all my baby weight like so many other mothers out there? Probably, I did feel I was often judged and compared to other thinner post pregnant women. I tried to lose my weight and I did manage to lose most of it, but it meant seriously restricting my diet. I wasn't happy so of course it didn't last and I gained all the weight back. Then I got pregnant again and gained even more weight! Keep in mind that part of me didn't want to let go of the weight as being skinny represented a dark past of torture and self inflicted pain. I dieted anyway though, because I was supposed too and lost weight, then gained it again, and lost it again... well, you know the rest.
So, why did I wake up this morning with an intent to write this story as though my soul depended on it?
Because the other day my six year old told me she didn't want to wear her new winter coat because it make her look fat. My heart dropped six feet below me, she weighs 40lbs. I decided from that moment she was going to have a mother who loved her body no matter what size it was. That I was going to teach her as an example of how imperfections can be imperfectly beautiful. That unconditional love means loving yourself no matter what. That being healthy means more than being skinny, and above all that being who you are is so much more important then being who someone else wants or expects you to be. Now, at 37 years old I suppose I could afford to lose 20lbs but I'm not going to stress myself out over it. I am eating healthy and no longer fear food, I exercise, and laugh more than I have in a long time. What would I say to young girls who might be struggling with body image or an eating disorder? You are beautiful and perfect. This illness does not own you, you have the power to decide where it takes you. You can learn your lesson from it now, or in 15 years from now - I suggest getting help now and save yourself from so much needless pain. Therapy is not something to be ashamed of, I wish I had done so much sooner. Your freedom from all of this takes a moment of courage to let go of your fear, and a realization that you ARE strong enough. I am living proof that there is life after an eating disorder, it really is beautiful.
